Dear Charmaine,
I've written to you before but to no avail. Hopefully this email will reach you.
I am as frustrated as humanly possible. I have been dating a woman for the last month and she won't allow me any form of real commitment. Furthermore, the only time that I seem to be able to get her to come out of the house and see me is at night and at some club.
The problem that I am having is that whenever I ask her "what are we" she answers with "I am just looking for friends and if something more happens then that is what happens". I know the words perfectly because we just had this conversation.
My largest problem is that I was raised in a loving family in which my parents were very happily married. And that is exactly what I am looking for. I am a 28 year old, 5'9", muscular male and attractive to the point that women stare at me everywhere I go, and honest to God, all that I truly want is 1 (one)good woman to spend my spare time with. I am very affectionate and romantic, but it seems that the only thing that black women want in today's world is a casual hook up, which is something that I honestly am not interested in.
It also seems that the only women that are interested in a real relationship are single mothers. Really, is it that a woman never really matures until she becomes a parent? I am hoping that this is not the case. I have no children myself and am constantly asking myself if it is really wrong of me to want a mentally and emotionally mature woman without children. I have been in relationships with women who have children and I have always ranked below the children's biological father which is extremely painful to any man to include myself.
Since I was 18 years old, the only thing that I ever really wanted was to get married to a good woman and to start a family. Being a player is really not in the cards for me, due to the fact that I enjoy becoming emotionally involved with whoever I am seeing at that time if we are sleeping together or not. Sex is great, but what I am looking for is an intimate connection with a woman and not just a sexual partner.
During the Halloween Party that you hosted you told me to smile more and I have. To your credit, I have received a much better response from women, but women don't seem to want a real connection with a man other than a physical one.
Recently I realized that I have been holding myself back because I have always wanted to have a good woman by my side and in support of me while I achieve my goals. I now see this as a flaw in my planning. Furthermore I am in the process of ruling out having a real connection with someone and just accepting the way that the world is and just engaging in casual relationships. Even writing that is putting me to actual tears.
I have no idea what I am doing wrong nor how to fix it. Please Help.
Thank You.
- I apologize if this letter seems scatterbrained. I am frustrated and just realized that I am in pain from my current situation and really don’t know how to articulate how I am feeling nor the situation itself.
Dear Frustrated and In Pain,
I'm sorry to hear that you're so frustrated.Let's take a look at a few things. First,is this woman that you're currently seeing a mother? If so, that may be the reason you only see her a night. A single mothers schedule usually revolves her children until the go to bed.If not you should just ask her,"Sweetie,why do I only see you in the late evening.
As far as her response to "what are we" since you two have only been dating for a month please take into consideration some people don't fall as fast as others so be patient.Also keep in mind a vast majority of people in our community have not grown up with seeing the type of healthy and beautiful relationships that you were so be patient with that in mind as well.
I do want to give you some powerful advice as a man, DO WHAT YOU CAN TO MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!Three things to keep in mind, please make sure she's the one you want,make sure you're not just choosing her because you're frustrated and u just want to be in a relationship,and number three,in trying to make her fall in love with her don't do anymore than U feel comfortable with so if it doesn't work you don't feel abused and used.
So Mr. Frustrated there's nothing to fix you're on a good road just slow up a bit and be patient.Something will reveal itself to let you know to go forward or back off but YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION but DON"T OVER ANALYZE.
Sincerely,
Charmaine
- S
I'm glad the suggestion I gave you is working.Keep smiling!
